


This Pain is Just Too Real

by a1_kitkat



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes deserves good things, Episode Related, Kissing Prompt, M/M, Not Beta Read, Self Loathing, Self-Worth Issues, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:50:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23856385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: The night after the meteor shower, Alex is filled with shame and regret. He can’t undo what happened but he can cope in other unhealthy ways. Kyle sees what Alex is doing but doesn’t understand why
Relationships: Alex Manes & Forrest Long, Alex Manes & Kyle Valenti
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	This Pain is Just Too Real

**Author's Note:**

> This kiss prompt was sent to me a few weeks ago but the bunnies just didn’t breed any good inspiration. With all the feelings in the fandom surrounding episode 2x06 (which, disclaimer I still haven’t watched) this random idea came to me
> 
> It’s probably as far away from the prompt as could possibly be and probably doesn’t make a lick of sense either so if you’re reading this, sorry in advance

Kyle was sitting at his usual table at Planet7 with a beer in one hand and a newspaper open in front of him, twirling a pen with his fingers as he stared at the crossword puzzle on the page, frowning at the question that’s answer was evading him. His mind still preoccupied by the weirdness of the previous night.

He was the first person Alex saw after he pushed the door open, stepping inside and his heart dropped right into his stomach. The entire reason he’d come to this bar, a gay bar, tonight was to avoid everyone he knew and just forget himself. After last night, the meteor shower, all the craziness that had come with and after it, all he wanted was to write himself off and... feel something else; something that wasn’t shame or regret.

Across town, at the Wild Pony, Forrest was holding an open mic night and maybe, possibly, hoping Alex would stop by but that wasn’t going to happen. In his current state of mind, there was just no way Alex could face the Pony and Maria tonight. What if Michael was there too? The thought alone was enough to make him wanted to get drunk.

Planet7 was definitely the safest place for him tonight or so he’d thought. The moment he stepped inside and saw Kyle, his instincts told him to run away but he was genuinely confused as to what Kyle of all people was doing here.

He moved to the bar, grabbed a drink and slowly made his way over to Kyle’s table.

“So what’s a guy like you doing in a place like this?” Alex asked him.

Kyle turned and looked up, frowning at Alex before his face switched to something else.

“No! No, no, no, no, no!” Kyle hissed. “This is _my_ refuge. First Isobel crashing the party last night and now _you_!”

“This is a gay bar, Kyle, it’s more my refuge than yours”

“This is where I come to avoid everyone I know” he said in a mild huff.

Alex’s eyes shifted to the half completed crossword on the table.

“And do crossword puzzles?” He asked, eyebrow raised. “Who even buys newspapers anymore?”

“I do, for the crossword”

Kyle picked up the paper in a huff and hid behind it. Alex shook his head, turned on his heel and headed back to the bar. He’d wanted to ask more questions, specifically what Isobel had been doing here the previous night but that just made him think what had transpired for him last night. He quickly downed his drink, sat at the bar and ordered another.

Alex stayed at the bar, shooting occasional looks at Kyle and his crossword, while sipping his drink. He’d almost finished it when an attractive man approached and asked to buy him another. The twisting in his gut still hadn’t passed so he quickly said yes. 

Alex didn’t ask his name; they simply shared a drink then he allowed himself to be led over to the dance floor. 

The bar wasn’t overly crowded but there were enough people dancing for Alex to _pretend_ to lose himself. He danced with several different men, pausing between songs to rest and hydrate. The more he drank, the less inhibited he was and the more he craved the touch of a dance partner, needing to replace the feeling of the last pairs of hands that had touched his skin.

Kyle tried not to stare, tried to focus on his own drink especially after he finished his crossword. He knew he could leave, that he _should_ leave but he’d never seen Alex like this before. The men dancing in tight circles around Alex were moving in closer and closer. Their hands were all over him and Alex was just _letting_ it happen.

It wasn’t any of his business and he knew it. Sure he and Alex hadn’t been close in a long time but _this_ Alex was one Kyle had never seen before and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried.

The two men moved even closer, one behind Alex and the other in front of him then they began kissing over his shoulder. Kyle knocked over his empty glass and hastily picked it back up. He could see the uncertainty in Alex’s eyes yet he was grinding against the couple, pulling them both closer to his body.

Kyle got up, walked to the bar and ordered a shot. He downed it quickly then turned and moved onto the dance floor. When he reached the three men, he was certain he could see tears in Alex’s eyes.

“Mind if I cut in?” Kyle asked them; momentarily proud of himself.

The couple both turned and glared at him.

“He’s ours tonight, buddy, fuck off” the smaller of the two shouted at Kyle.

“Come on, just one dance?” He tried again.

“No” the other replied.

“We were just leaving anyway” the first man said.

Kyle watched as the two men began to lead Alex towards the main door. He didn’t put up a fight but wasn’t exactly bouncing with enthusiasm either as the three of them headed outside.

He wasn’t jealous, just concerned which was why Kyle hurried outside after them and yelled Alex’s name. The three of them stopped and turned to face Kyle.

“Fuck off, loser!”

“Hey!” Kyle shouted. “Let him go; he’s drunk and he’s not going anywhere with you”

“He wants it, don’t you?” One of the men asked Alex.

“I... deserve this” Alex whispered.

Kyle sighed.

“Don’t make me call the Sheriff” he told them. “Let him go, find someone else for your sick game”

“The cops ain’t gonna come running for us fags”

“His father is a master sergent and my mother is the town sheriff; you really want to try your luck?” Kyle threatened.

The two men exchanged a look, seemingly trying to decide if he was lying or not. They both backed off at the same time, released Alex and turned away. Kyle waited until they’d disappeared back inside the bar before turning to his friend.

As soon as the two men released him, Alex collapsed against the wall and watched as they walked away from him. The tears he’d fought back earlier began to brim in his eyes and he squeezed them shut.

First his best friend and his ex-lover had taken their pleasure from him but now he couldn’t even block it out by replacing that memory with another one. He already felt dirty, why not add to the shame?

“Alex?” 

Kyle’s voice was dripping with pity and Alex shook his head, tried to push him away but Kyle was having none of it. He reached for Alex and tried to pull him into a hug.

But he couldn’t let Kyle touch him, not now and not like this... not under these circumstances. Alex wasn’t worth his pity, concern or compassion. He wasn’t worth anything. Those two guys hadn’t known him but they’d been willing to use him. Alex knew he was clearly only good for someone _else’s_ sexual gratification.

“Alex, come on, talk to me” Kyle said. “The meteor shower last night, everyone was acting weird _then_ but it’s all over now; everything is normal again”

Alex laughed; a shrill and derisive laugh as he tried to push Kyle away but the Doctor wasn’t so easily swayed. He could see something was clearly very wrong with Alex.

“Nothing will ever be normal again” Alex replied. His tone no longer filled with laughter but deadpanned.

“Alex?”

“I can’t go back, can’t undo what happened, can’t make this feeling go away”

“Alex, what happened?”

Kyle looked at his friend, waiting for him to explain what was wrong but Alex turned to him, affixed him with an almost unreadable expression then he darted forward and kissed him.

It was completely unexpected and Kyle instinctively pushed him away, shoved him back against the wall and Alex cried out. Kyle immediately released him, afraid he’d pushed too hard and hurt him.

“Alex, what the hell is wrong with you?” Kyle asked.

Despite his utter confusion, it was clear Kyle was very concerned.

“I’m sorry” Alex sobbed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry”

He reached up, extracted himself from Kyle’s grasp then collapsed on the ground. Alex buried his face in his hands so Kyle immediately dropped to his knees and carefully placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder but Alex quickly pulled away again.

“Alex, please?” Kyle whispered. “Please talk to me”

“I made a mistake” Alex replied. “And I can’t undo it... and now... I think I’ve lost him for good”

“Him who...? oh... You hooked up with Guerin? Last night?”

Alex’s stomach lurched. If only it were that simple but he couldn’t tell Kyle the truth, the full story, he didn’t want to think about it or admit to it.

“Yeah” he choked “and I... just wanted those two guys there to help me forget”

“Alex-”

“It’s what I deserve, Kyle, I don’t deserve to be loved... all I’m good for is sex”

“Is that why you kissed me just now?” Kyle asked. His voice was even, not mad or even confused. He was simply just worried.

“I... I...” Alex reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes. “I don’t know why I kissed you, Kyle. I’m sorry”

“It was just... unexpected”

“Much like you being in a gay bar?”

“I...”

“Guess I thought maybe you were up for something; especially since you scared my evenings plans away”

They both looked at each other until Alex’s gaze shifted. Kyle wished he knew the right thing to say but he realized he needed to say anything.

“Alex” he started. “I could sit here and list every reason why any man would be lucky to have you” Kyle said. “From your loyalty, your bravery, your compassion, your gorgeous looks, your huge heart”

“Kyle-“

“You are worthy of love and a relationship and a life with someone who will love you with all his heart”

“Kyle-” he tried to argue.

“You’re the bravest person I know and one of the smartest but when it comes to love, you’ve been dealt the worst hand possible... but I know there’s someone out there, just waiting to connect with you; someone genuine and... who can commit to you, only you... someone who’ll make you smile and love you”

Alex could hear the words Kyle was saying but the image forming in his mind wasn’t of Michael or even Kyle. The man he was picturing had a kind smile, an overweight beagle and a terrible dye job.

“So you can sit here, wallowing over your shitty past” Kyle said. “Which has been shitty, no denying it... or you can let me drive you home... but random sex with complete strangers isn’t the answer and it’s not going to make you feel better”

Kyle held a hand out to Alex and helped him to his feet. Once they were both standing, Alex wanted to hug Kyle but didn’t want to cross the line again.

“So, are you going to let me take you home?” Kyle asked him.

“Maybe you can take me to the Pony instead?” Alex softly suggested. “There’s someone I should talk to”

“Maria?”

Alex’s eye twitched at the mention of her name but his thoughts were still on Forrest.

“No, uh, its an open mic night” Alex explained. “And uh I think... I think it’ll be good for me; it’s what I need right now”

Kyle side eyed Alex as he helped him over to the car. As far as he knew, Alex hadn’t performed since coming home. They drove across town, neither saying a word to the other until Kyle pulled up in front of the Wild Pony. When Alex reached over to open the car door, Kyle grabbed his arm and looked at him.

“Promise me he’s a real guy” Kyle said. “That you’re not here to attempt another hookup. I will text Maria to keep an eye on you if I have to... she’s quite the cock blocker”

Alex made a noise unlike any Kyle had ever heard.

“He’s an _actual_ person I know, Kyle” Alex insisted. “He’s a historian with a pet beagle”

“Sounds perfect for you”

“Because he’s not an alien?”

“Well I wasn’t gonna say that”

“I’m sorry” Alex said. “Sorry you had to get involved and that I kissed you, tried to use you... that was wrong and I’m sorry”

“You deserve the world, Alex, and you never have to apologize to me”

“Thank you, Kyle”

“Now, go get ‘em, tiger” Kyle said as he released Alex’s arm. “But make sure to keep it in your pants tonight. I’m not intervening again”

Alex smiled, climbed out of the car and walked inside the bar. Forrest was standing on the stage; he appeared to be looking around until their eyes met and Alex’s heart skipped a beat. They shared a smile as Alex moved towards the table near the stage and he sat down.

In that moment, Alex knew this was where he was really meant to be tonight.


End file.
